on acid

I have a new found respect for teachers in kindergarten. I wasn't able to write yesterday due to the sugar induced coma I brought upon myself. I volunteered to host my nephew's 5th birthday party at his school. His mom would only be able to drop off the goodies and I was supposed to stand in as a parent (which I'm not). I arrive to find 24 little midgets all running around. Some start to cry outta the blue and others just roll around on the ground. After we do a group birthday song we feed the little midgets pizza. Man, can they eat. I thought I was going to be able to sit down with my nephew on the miniature desks and tables and enjoy a slice BUT no sirree! I was a slave to these human pizza machines. The slices were purposely cut smaller for the children but they kept coming back up for seconds, thirds, fourths and fifths! Then I pass out these water type juice bags where you have to pierce a hole on the top. I don't know if you know but most kindergartners can't do this. So now there's a bunch of rowdy greasy mouth midgets stabbing their drinks with straws. I talk to them and they all start talking at the same time. It's like they're drunk! They don't listen but do cartwheels to catch your attention. The cupcakes were a total disaster! They put frosting all over their faces and smashed cupcakes on their heads. Deep inside, I knew they weren't supposed to be doing that and I couldn't help to think that I'm a failure as a stand in parent.

There was this one kid, a 5 1/2 year old who kept saying he can do Kung-Fu. I thought it was so adorable. He kept showing me Kung-Fu stands and then he started to attack me. The little kung-fu master was stabbing my knee and my lower thigh. WTF!! I tried to get away from him but he kept finding me. So what was the best thing to do?? Hiiiiiii-Yaaaa!! back at you. I started chopping away at him. I guess it wasn't the best idea now that I look back. A sixty eight inch tall (xxx amount of lbs. we're not that close for me to reveal my weight.. yet) woman coming down on this two and half foot child. The teacher had to come over and restrain me. He said that I'm not supposed to give them attention because it unleashes their inner beast. Well I unleashed it all right and through out the entire time I found this midget attacking me from all angles. Other kids kept coming up to me asking if that was a "tattoo" on me. I didn't know whether to lie, which I considered since I thought I'd be corrupting them in some odd sort of way so I just stood there in the wood chip playground stumped by this Asian 5 year old. I felt like the five year old. She finally comforted my silence with "my mom and dad have tattoo, are you my mom & dad"? That's when I knew it was time to go.

All in all it was quite an experience. It was like a bad acid trip with too much sugar, midgets and Kung-Fu. I crashed by the end of the day. It was such a sad sight. I just floated to the couch until my dog poked me in the eye with his muzzle. I think I'll become a parent way, way, way later, when I'm ready to be numb to acid trips.